Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
