The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
