How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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