i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
