Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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