Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
