I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
