me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
