Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
