My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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