The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
