my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
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She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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