3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
