I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
