did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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