I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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