pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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