woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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