party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
