My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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