Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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