I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
