So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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