We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I can't put those talents on a resume
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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