It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
