I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
