If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
