How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
