I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
