I accidentally burped into my bong.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
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You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
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The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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