it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
