His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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