I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome