And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
