hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dating After Heartbreak
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today