MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.