i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
