I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
