I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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