I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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