My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
