I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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