As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.