I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
