Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
They have beer where we have blood.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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