You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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