Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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