they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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