He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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