turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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