At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
