On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
