theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
