A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
