If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
