We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
