I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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