I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
