just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
